I sat confined on the fourth floor in the Utah Valley
hospital suicidal unit. I felt so out of place. I was in a room filled with 7
other teenagers and some staff. It was our group therapy session. A boy next to
me was sharing his story how he had watched his Mom get murdered. We each had to go around the room and talk about
why and what got us to where we were.
Later that night I
was sitting by myself in the gathering area writing in my journal. Two girls
with black makeup and black clothes came and sat by me. I remember their exact
words.
“So, you really killed your sister?” one of them said.
I was shocked by her bluntness. I could tell they were not
coming over to make friends. I had no words. It was the meanest thing somebody
had ever said to me in my entire seventeen-year-old life. But the thing that
hurt the worst was, it was true. (Click here to read the Becca story)
I remember watching my parents mourn. I felt like every tear
shed was caused by me. My parents assured me there was never any resentment or
anger but nothing they or anyone could say could take away the feelings of
guilt or pain. It was a hard burden to bear and to be honest some days it still
is.
But there are some things that I have found comfort in.
First and for most my savior, Jesus Christ. Three years ago, I read an article
about a 16-year-old boy. His family was traveling to Disneyland when he fell
asleep at the wheel. Three of his siblings and both his parents were pronounced
dead at the scene.
This is what I had wrote about it back then.
“If only I could talk to the boy
who was driving... I would tell him he's not alone. Not because our story is
similar but because he has a savior, who will always love him even when he
feels like nobody should, to carry his burdens when they consume his whole
body, and to know that someone knows EXACTLY how he feels because he performed
the atonement. It will take time and more effort than you want to give but you
can come out on top and someday look back and it will feel so surreal that that
is your story. Don't give up!!!”
Through trials we can all rely on Jesus
Christ. He gave me strength and comfort though the darkest abyss. He is the
only one who can understand.
I remember one night in particular, feeling so
desperate for a new life. I felt like I had failed and there was no way of
coming back. I remember praying, pleading with Heavenly Father to just take me
home. I had an overwhelming feeling of peace and comfort to get me through
another day. “Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.” (D&
C 18:10) Because of our Savior, no one is too far lost or sinned too many times.
He had mercy on his own crucifiers.
I also have found comfort in the
words of prophets throughout history. They have proclaimed “that no righteous
man shall be taken before his time.” – Pres. Smith.
I believe in God. I believe that
God can do anything. He
performs miracles every day. I believe that although the accident was my
fault, he could have saved my sister. It’s a miracle that all my other siblings
survived after being ejected and thrown from a rolling vehicle.
These are all my survival mechanisms.
I have days where my thoughts take me to a world of “what if’s?” The guilt,
pain and loss is real. I could let
myself be taken down by these thoughts. I have been down that road, its dark
and lonely and I never want to go back. To survive I believe.
Every day I wish I could take back
that day. I also wish I could say I would be the same person I am today without
going through that. Unfortunately, I would not. The lessons I learned through
going through that experience have not only impacted my life but shaped who I am
today.
“I
testify that when the Lord closes one important door in your life, He shows His
continuing love and compassion by opening many other compensating doors through
your exercise of faith. He will place in your path packets of spiritual
sunlight to brighten your way. They often come after the trial has been the
greatest, as evidence of the compassion and love of an all-knowing Father. They
point the way to greater happiness, more understanding, and strengthen your
determination to accept and be obedient to His will.” – Richard G. Scott
At times, I didn’t think I could possibly
live another day. I fought through the thoughts, the fears, the anguish. I learned
that we are capable of much more than we think we are. Whatever life brings
you, I promise you can overcome it. You are worth it to him.
Feel free to share with someone who
feels like all is lost.
Hey Chelsea, i was at PG in 04-05, you probably have no idea who I am but I was friends with Whit Anderson and Jessica Edwards. I didn't know you went through all of this and I just want to thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry for the pain you've experienced. Life is really hard and I can't imagine going through your trials. The trials I have been through in the past 3 years are some that I would never wish upon my worst enemy. They came out of nowhere and I wish I could go back to change them somehow. And yet you're right, these trials are what strengthen us and shape us into who we are. We have to use them as tools to build us into better versions of ourselves. Thank you for your good example and for sharing your testimony. I've even told my sister about your story and we cried tears together for you, but not only in sadness, in thinking of your amazing example. Sending hugs to you! Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! You are way too sweet. Hearing comments like yours reminds me why I write these posts. I'm so sorry to hear the last couple years have been hard for you. Life is really hard sometimes! Hang in there. I'll be rooting for you! And so sweet how you and your sister read and cried together. xoxo Chelsea
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