Disclaimer: It's been 11 and a half years since the "accident". I wouldn't have shared this with the world 5 years ago. But I've learned that opening up actually helps my healing process. With that, I started my blog to hopefully help others as well. I'm literally sharing the most vulnerable thing about me and I'm scared and it's hard but it shaped who I am today. It will be the back story to many blog posts to come. Next week I hope to share how I have and am overcoming trials and the guilt and pain. With that being said here is my journal entry from 5 years ago:
(I truly am tempted not to go back to this day. My heart aches with every detail. But I feel prompted. I also, for myself want a full account of every detail so I can simply remember.)
It was July 19th 2005, I woke up dazed hearing my name yelled "Chelsea!!!”.
My mom is screaming my name. I realize I am the one driving and am headed off
road to the right side about to hit a mile marker. I was going around 85 mph
and had no control. I turn the wheel to the left too hard only to over correct
to the right.
In my minds re-enactment, I just want to look behind me and
see Becca alive and conscious just one last time.
It went so fast, but in my mind so slow. My eyes were open,
like a roller-coaster ride strapped in from my seat belt. I could feel every time
the van went upside down and I had to push my hands harder against the steering
wheel to keep myself up. The seat belt gauging my neck every turn because of the
force. I even see my mom trying to hold on to something, getting jerked around
but still in place. The hill is steep but not steep enough to get rolling
super-fast so with each roll there is a huge thump. Kind of like a ball going
down stairs. We roll eight times and end right side up facing the
opposite direction we were going. I see my Mom, I don’t remember looking behind
me and seeing that the kids weren’t in the car, but I do remember my mom saying
to go find them. My mom and I were the only ones wearing our seat belts and the other
5 kids had been ejected. I was pleading with my mom to forgive me, crying out
“I’m so sorry” profusely. My beautiful mother who is about to lose one of her
priceless treasures does not show anger or frustration but subtle love and
assures me “it’s ok.”
I unbuckle my seat belt and open the door. I find Becca
first, laying by the back-driver’s side tire. To my knowledge only unconscious.
I yell to my mom that “Becca is over here unconscious.” She runs over, falls
to the ground where Becca is laying and gives her a blessing. She tells me to find
her phone and says where it was in the car before the van flipped 8 times. I search, not finding it but only noticed the
scriptures we had read earlier opened. My mom told me to go find help and the
other kids.
I see Caleb walking towards me. I then find Abby, Jordan and Jess all walking towards the car as well.
I had no shoes. My feet were burning and every step was a new thorn. But I
wanted to be in pain, I felt guilty. I have one lousy seat belt burn and my
family looks like they are mangled walking zombies. Blood all over them, Jessie
by far looked the worst. Her hair looked like it had been ratted, seriously
straight up. Rocks, dirt and blood all throughout her hair. Abby was bleeding
all over; on top of her new wounds the stitches and scabs came loose with the
accident.(Back Story: Abby was run over by a golf cart after a wedding reception in Oregon. She suffered severe road rash and 46 stitches and staples on her head. ) Jordan and Caleb bloody and bruised. At the time my mom looked pretty
good. One of the reasons I didn’t think Becca was dead was because she had no visible injuries or blood. She looked like herself but just unconscious. I picked up a blanket from
the scattered debris and ran up the hill to the side of the road. I chased down
a car who turned around to find service and call 9-1-1. I was lucky there was a
car, they were few and far between where we were.
The kids sat on the side of the road on a blanket. More
people stopped. I exclaimed “I did it, I fell asleep!!” My mom was still down
with Becca, right now I was in charge of taking care of the kids. People
crowded us giving the kids water bottles and fanning them. With other water
bottles they were softly wiping blood off. I was holding Jess, she was
complaining about her neck. My shirt was now seeping with blood from her head.
I left them for a moment to go check the bottom of the hill.
Other people were
there now. I knew it was not good. I was unstable, crying, screaming, gagging.
My mom lay over Becca sobbing. People were around but gave space. My Mom told
me Becca was dying and to say goodbye. I held her hoping a miracle was going to
happen. I was not letting her go. My words hung so heavy, “I’m sorry Becca, I
love you”. My mom and I embraced. Becca was gone.
I was crying and gagging. A lady grabbed me, hugged me and
told me I needed to be strong for the other kids. I grabbed a pair of shoes from the debris,
evidently Becca’s and it made me cry even more. I went and sat with the kids.
They just laid there sweaty and bloody. I held Abby in my lap, wrapped Jessie in my arms and just cried and cried and cried. Caleb or Jordan asked me if
Becca was dead. I couldn’t tell them, I told them “I didn’t know”.
I tried going back down the hill but people stopped me
halfway. They were trying to revive her and I saw a bag over her mouth. I saw
Becca for the last time.
My mom was on the phone, she couldn’t get a hold of my dad
so she called her sister. I could tell by the look on people’s faces the
disaster I had made. The look of shock
and fear. All our belongings from our trip, along with our mangled van debris, was spread across a desert hillside in Nevada. I could tell they wanted to help but
there was nothing they could do to turn back time.
An hour passed until the ambulance arrived and life flight
soon after. It was literally an hour. That tells you just how far in the middle
of nowhere we were. When they arrived, it became frantic again. The kids and I
were still sitting on a blanket on the side of the road. They quickly started
evaluating us, even giving us numbers. They asked if Jessie was always this slow. We told
her she had down syndrome. I saw relief on their faces and they went back to
numbering, putting us in order from worst to best condition.
They took Abby in the helicopter. Then frantically put
everyone on stretchers including myself, only because I said I was a little
sore.
Jessie was my angel at this time. She made me feel important.
She needed me, she HAD to stick with me. She made the paramedics switch people
around so she could stay in my ambulance. As they were putting my stretcher in
the ambulance I heard them talking about mom. I overheard them saying she was
struggling to breathe. I started panicking and asking questions. I was
petrified, not my mom too I thought.
By far the hardest part was leaving Becca there and knowing
she wasn’t going to meet us at the hospital. Even then, when I knew, I was
still praying for a miracle.
The ambulance ride was long in a stretcher. You are literally
just tied to a board. Its horrible. My body ached. Jess and I held hands, which
made uncomfortable matters even worse. They gave us IVs and I pretended to be
brave for Jess. I convinced her that when we got back home she would be able to
hang out with my guy friends that she loved. We had to pull over so they could
put her IV in because she was screaming and crying. They only turned the sirens on
every once and a while. I realize it was probably only when we were around cars.
We arrived at a hospital in Winnemucca, Nevada. Medics met
us at the hospital entrance. It was odd being carried and pushed out and around
in a stretcher. I couldn’t really see around me but we were pushed to an area
that separated us by sheets. Jess and I shared a room, they moved our
stretchers as close together as possible so we could hold hands. I could hear
Jordan in the next slot over. My nurse was heaven sent and I swear I had met her
before.
The chronic crying gave me a headache. I had to ask one last
time “Did Becca die?” they dare tell me “Yes, she did.” It was official again.
I was gasping for air; the crying was so bad.
They took Jessie to get all her x-rays and exam done. Two
people came in. They were from the local LDS ward. I think it was the bishop
and the relief society pres. I don’t remember their words, they were kind but
not who I wanted to see. Though, I would rather see them then the two police
men who came in next. They first asked to draw blood. Then they began the
interrogation.
“Have you been drinking in the last 24 hrs?”
“No, I have never drank in my life.”
“Have you had any drugs in the last 24 hrs?”
“No, same answer.”
“Is there a possibility you could be pregnant?”
“No!”
“When did you go to sleep last night?”
I ashamedly told them I only got a few hours because I was
talking on the phone to my boyfriend. “
That was all, but it was enough to make me feel like a
criminal, a murderer.
Hours went by, I had no idea the concept of time. I wiggled
as much as I could in my stretcher until it was my turn to see the examiner. I
was last because of my condition. They administered x-ray's, asked questions and not long
after rolled me back to the same room and same spot to wait for results.
They finally told me I was cleared and helped me out. I went
and saw my mom, who was two rooms over on the phone. Everyone but Jordan was in
there, he was still getting cleaned up.
Jessie ended up having a broken neck, which we didn’t find
out until weeks later. My mom had a punctured lung and broken ribs and the rest
of the kids were just battered, bruised and scraped up but all minor injuries.
It caught me off guard when a nurse told me I had a phone
call and led me to a phone. I said “Hello” not knowing who was on the other
side. “Chelsea!!” My best friends Heidi and Whintey burst out. I was shocked at how they already knew. I explained on speaker phone to her
family and a few friends briefly what happened. I still don’t know how they got
that number. I hung up and dialed my boyfriend’s number. Bawling, I told him in
one sentence. “I fell asleep, Becca’s dead.” I didn’t hear him respond. Then
his Dad got on the phone and told me everything happens for a reason and to not
blame yourself.
Our little family gathered together and was escorted to a
room with two twin beds, a rocking chair, and an additional chair. I really don’t
remember any words, just sobs. My mom told me my dad and our current bishop
were already on a flight here, my Aunt and Uncle from Oregon were on their way
and my sister and her husband who were currently doing Summer sales in
California packed their belongings and were headed our way.
Time stood still, literally. The clock was broken in our
room. I kept looking at it checking to see when my Dad was going to be here. It
was late and all the kids were asleep when a highway patrol man knocked on our
door. He spoke kind words and handed my mom a bag of garments. He too was LDS and personally went and picked all of them up.
After he left I tried to make a phone call but it wouldn’t call long
distance. I asked my mom for some change but we had nothing except the clothes
on our backs.
I crouched in a ball on my chair in the middle of the room
and bawled. My mom was in the corner crying and the kids were asleep. I kept dozing on and off until I was woken up by voices. My Dad was here!! He hugged
me and asked if I wanted a blessing. I wish I did but I said “No.” I felt so
undeserving.
I woke up in the morning to Caleb, Jordan and Abby watching
TV. Jessie was getting pushed around in a wheelchair by the staff. In the corner
of the room was a bag full of donated clothes the hospital gave us. I picked
some underwear and a t-shirt that said “Winnemucca soccer” and kept my shorts.
My parents had already gone and seen Becca and the van.
Next thing I remember is driving home. We drove a rental car. Becca’s normal spot was unintentionally the only spot empty. We
were about 6 hours from our home. I was not driving but would not let myself go
to sleep. We passed our exit and went to go pick up my sister Laura. She was living in
Orem in an apartment with friends. The crying had ceased until I saw her. She
got in our car and we knew it would never be the same again as we drove home.
We pulled up to
our driveway and a huge banner hung up on the garage “We Love You” it said. I
got out reading each signature on the banner. Our neighbors Amanda and Becky Jex ran over. Hugs
and tears were exchanged. Our yard was incredible with a new tramp. I don’t remember
seeing any cars but our house was filled with guests hustling around fixing
food. I gave a few hugs and asked my Dad for my cell phone he had confiscated
from me a couple weeks earlier. I went to my room and read lots of text from random
people giving their condolences. There were flowers and cards. To this day it
still feels surreal. But not having Becca makes it real.
Always remember that this life is short, be prepared when your time
comes. Always treat your loved ones like it will be the last time.. one day it
will be.
In memory of
Rebecca Emily Yarn
Oct. 9th 1992-July 19th 2005
Always in my heart
Thank you for sharing this very tender side of yourself and this absolutely horrible experience. You are a very good girl working through one of life's most difficult experiences. I am a mother of six girls. My heart is touched. Heidi is my husband's nurse; that's how I saw your story. I will watch for more from you....
ReplyDeleteThank you for commenting. Six girls?! wow! Awe, I love Heidi. Her husband is in good hands. :)
DeleteI am in tears reading your story...You are an amazing woman with so much strength. Such an awful experience to have to go through, I can't even imagine the heart ache and sorrow you experienced. Thank you for being so brave and for sharing your story with us. Heidi was my husband's nurse a few years ago...this is how I saw your story.
ReplyDeleteThank you for commenting. I really appreciate your kind words. Glad we could cross paths. xoxo Chelsea
DeleteReading your story is heart breaking. I'm so sorry you went through that Chelsea. I'm sure your sweet sister is so proud of you and the choices you've made. It would have been easy to head the opposite direction. After reading your story I came across this quote from Joseph B. Wirthlin and thought of you, "While it may not come at the time we desire, every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude".
ReplyDeleteThanks so much! I really do hope to make her proud. I absolutely love that quote! Thank you for sharing and commenting! xoxo Chelsea
DeleteWhat hard moments to have to relive but thank you for sharing! I've always known you were beautiful inside and out Chelsea and this post is proof of that! The Lord loves you and is proud of you every single day!
ReplyDeleteThanks!! Your'e so sweet! And we miss you guys! St. George looks heavenly. I love being able to watch your little family grow!
DeleteJust wanted to say how truly sorry I am for you and your family. I read your whole story and am in tears. Lots of love and strength xx
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment. Definitely lots of love and strength. xoxo Chelsea
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