#lighttheworld
Have you seen the hashtag? I have loved seeing everyone’s posts. They inspire
me to be better. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day
Saints and I am participating in the 25 day advent calendar to “light the world”.
Here is why I chose to participate.
There
was a time in my life that was dark. I
remember one night sitting on my bed writing my “Goodbye letter”. I needed
help. I was giving up. I felt like my own strength was no longer enough.
It
was a rough year. I was 17. It had been seven months since Becca died. It was crushing to
carry the guilt, burden and grief of being the driver at the time of her death. My life was nothing like I imagined it would be. I couldn’t bear the pain any more. I remember being with my friends having a
good time and then coming home, hiding in my room and sobbing on my pillow.
Because
of friends and family who loved me unconditionally I ended up being admitted to
the hospital that night.
I
did not want to be there. My first journal writing in the hospital is filled with anger and
feelings of betrayal. I was so mad. The first time my parents came to visit me I would not speak. When they left I remember just crying. I wanted so bad
to hug them but was too stubborn to let them in my closed off world. I hated
who I was. My plan was to pretend to get better so I could get out and finish
what I had planned.
My room there was bare, literally nothing.
When I picture it, I just see a bed with white sheets. I wrote in my journal a
lot. I meditated a lot. I prayed A LOT!
It
was day 3 and I saw a light. I saw hope. I saw a future. I felt my burdens begin to
be lifted. I felt like I could do it. I could live, I could be okay. I let the
atonement in. I still had doubts and fears but I also had faith and courage. I
leaned on my Savior, Jesus Christ. I remembered him and the burdens he felt as
he bled from every pore. I reminded myself that he had felt exactly what I felt
and I no longer felt completely alone and helpless.
I
left the hospital after 5 days. I was a new person. I was ready to try again
and I was so grateful for my second chance at life. With the saviors help I was
going to push the dark out and bring the light back in. That was not the end to
a long road of recovery but a beginning. I thought I was helpless. I thought I didn’t
deserve to be loved. My savior never left me. He brought me to the light. I
still have moments when I wonder "why"? He gives me hope and peace.
I feel privileged
to honor him in celebrating the season by doing Christ-like actions to
#lighttheworld. He is the light of the World. He came to me in my darkest hour.
He buoy’s me up. We all need the light of Christ in our lives.
With
tears now rolling down my cheeks, I know my savior
lives. I know he loves us. I know the atonement was not just one act but an
ongoing miracle that can sustain us in our life if we let it. I’m forever
grateful for that second chance and most importantly for my savior, Jesus Christ.
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Thanks so much for sharing this Chels! I love you!!
ReplyDeleteLove you too Eryn!
DeleteAn amazing testament!
ReplyDeleteLove you! Thanks!
DeleteLove you Chels!!
ReplyDeleteLove you Cade!!
DeleteSo beautiful. For some reason what stood out to me was a viewpoint of a parent. Your parents had lost a daughter and were so close to losing another. I've been struggling majorly with behavior issues from my oldest and I've been beating myself up thinking if I was just doing a better job in some way, things would be different. I know this wasn't your intention in writing this, but I feel like Heavenly Father used this post to tell me sometimes we don't get to control the things that happen wth our kids. They have their agency and there is also gods will that comes into play. But our job is to love and spread that light that we've been given. I'm so glad you had a family who loved and cared about you enough to help you get help. Thank you for your testimony!
ReplyDeleteDanica, Thanks so much for commenting. I'm so glad you got insight while reading this post. You are such a good Mom. I feel the same way with one of my kids. I love seeing all the books you guys read together. You make me miss those days. Its crazy to me that 3 of them go to school full time now.
Delete