A Little House, A Lot Of Kids

I sat confined on the fourth floor in the Utah Valley hospital suicidal unit. I felt so out of place. I was in a room filled with 7 other teenagers and some staff. It was our group therapy session. A boy next to me was sharing his story how he had watched his Mom get murdered. We each had to go around the room and talk about why and what got us to where we were.

Later that night I was sitting by myself in the gathering area writing in my journal. Two girls with black makeup and black clothes came and sat by me. I remember their exact words.

“So, you really killed your sister?” one of them said.

I was shocked by her bluntness. I could tell they were not coming over to make friends. I had no words. It was the meanest thing somebody had ever said to me in my entire seventeen-year-old life. But the thing that hurt the worst was, it was true. (Click here to read the Becca story)

I remember watching my parents mourn. I felt like every tear shed was caused by me. My parents assured me there was never any resentment or anger but nothing they or anyone could say could take away the feelings of guilt or pain. It was a hard burden to bear and to be honest some days it still is.

But there are some things that I have found comfort in. First and for most my savior, Jesus Christ. Three years ago, I read an article about a 16-year-old boy. His family was traveling to Disneyland when he fell asleep at the wheel. Three of his siblings and both his parents were pronounced dead at the scene.

http://fox13now.com/2014/11/21/family-killed-in-crash-on-way-to-disney-world-sleepy-teen-at-wheel/

This is what I had wrote about it back then.

“If only I could talk to the boy who was driving... I would tell him he's not alone. Not because our story is similar but because he has a savior, who will always love him even when he feels like nobody should, to carry his burdens when they consume his whole body, and to know that someone knows EXACTLY how he feels because he performed the atonement. It will take time and more effort than you want to give but you can come out on top and someday look back and it will feel so surreal that that is your story. Don't give up!!!”

Through trials we can all rely on Jesus Christ. He gave me strength and comfort though the darkest abyss. He is the only one who can understand.

I remember one night in particular, feeling so desperate for a new life. I felt like I had failed and there was no way of coming back. I remember praying, pleading with Heavenly Father to just take me home. I had an overwhelming feeling of peace and comfort to get me through another day. “Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.” (D& C 18:10) Because of our Savior, no one is too far lost or sinned too many times. He had mercy on his own crucifiers.

I also have found comfort in the words of prophets throughout history. They have proclaimed “that no righteous man shall be taken before his time.” – Pres. Smith.

I believe in God. I believe that God can do anything. He

performs miracles every day. I believe that although the accident was my fault, he could have saved my sister. It’s a miracle that all my other siblings survived after being ejected and thrown from a rolling vehicle.

These are all my survival mechanisms. I have days where my thoughts take me to a world of “what if’s?” The guilt, pain and loss is real. I could let myself be taken down by these thoughts. I have been down that road, its dark and lonely and I never want to go back. To survive I believe.

Every day I wish I could take back that day. I also wish I could say I would be the same person I am today without going through that. Unfortunately, I would not. The lessons I learned through going through that experience have not only impacted my life but shaped who I am today.

“I testify that when the Lord closes one important door in your life, He shows His continuing love and compassion by opening many other compensating doors through your exercise of faith. He will place in your path packets of spiritual sunlight to brighten your way. They often come after the trial has been the greatest, as evidence of the compassion and love of an all-knowing Father. They point the way to greater happiness, more understanding, and strengthen your determination to accept and be obedient to His will.” – Richard G. Scott

At times, I didn’t think I could possibly live another day. I fought through the thoughts, the fears, the anguish. I learned that we are capable of much more than we think we are. Whatever life brings you, I promise you can overcome it. You are worth it to him.

Feel free to share with someone who feels like all is lost.

Disclaimer: It's been 11 and a half years since the "accident". I wouldn't have shared this with the world 5 years ago. But I've learned that opening up actually helps my healing process. With that, I started my blog to hopefully help others as well. I'm literally sharing the most vulnerable thing about me and I'm scared and it's hard but it shaped who I am today. It will be the back story to many blog posts to come. Next week I hope to share how I have and am overcoming trials and the guilt and pain. With that being said here is my journal entry from 5 years ago:

(I truly am tempted not to go back to this day. My heart aches with every detail. But I feel prompted. I also, for myself want a full account of every detail so I can simply remember.)

It was July 19th 2005, I woke up dazed hearing my name yelled "Chelsea!!!”. My mom is screaming my name. I realize I am the one driving and am headed off road to the right side about to hit a mile marker. I was going around 85 mph and had no control. I turn the wheel to the left too hard only to over correct to the right.

In the car with me, is my mom, my down syndrome sister Jessica (14), my sister Becca

(12), my brother Caleb (10), my brother Jordan (8), and my littlest sister Abby (6). I was 17 and it was the Summer before my senior year. We were making our trek back home, a 12 hour drive from Oregon to Utah.

In my minds re-enactment, I just want to look behind me and see Becca alive and conscious just one last time.

It went so fast, but in my mind so slow. My eyes were open, like a roller-coaster ride strapped in from my seat belt. I could feel every time the van went upside down and I had to push my hands harder against the steering wheel to keep myself up. The seat belt gauging my neck every turn because of the force. I even see my mom trying to hold on to something, getting jerked around but still in place. The hill is steep but not steep enough to get rolling super-fast so with each roll there is a huge thump. Kind of like a ball going down stairs. We roll eight times and end right side up facing the opposite direction we were going. I see my Mom, I don’t remember looking behind me and seeing that the kids weren’t in the car, but I do remember my mom saying to go find them. My mom and I were the only ones wearing our seat belts and the other 5 kids had been ejected. I was pleading with my mom to forgive me, crying out “I’m so sorry” profusely. My beautiful mother who is about to lose one of her priceless treasures does not show anger or frustration but subtle love and assures me “it’s ok.”

I unbuckle my seat belt and open the door. I find Becca first, laying by the back-driver’s side tire. To my knowledge only unconscious. I yell to my mom that “Becca is over here unconscious.” She runs over, falls to the ground where Becca is laying and gives her a blessing. She tells me to find her phone and says where it was in the car before the van flipped 8 times. I search, not finding it but only noticed the scriptures we had read earlier opened. My mom told me to go find help and the other kids.

I see Caleb walking towards me. I then find Abby, Jordan and Jess all walking towards the car as well. I had no shoes. My feet were burning and every step was a new thorn. But I wanted to be in pain, I felt guilty. I have one lousy seat belt burn and my family looks like they are mangled walking zombies. Blood all over them, Jessie by far looked the worst. Her hair looked like it had been ratted, seriously straight up. Rocks, dirt and blood all throughout her hair. Abby was bleeding all over; on top of her new wounds the stitches and scabs came loose with the accident.(Back Story: Abby was run over by a golf cart after a wedding reception in Oregon. She suffered severe road rash and 46 stitches and staples on her head. ) Jordan and Caleb bloody and bruised. At the time my mom looked pretty good. One of the reasons I didn’t think Becca was dead was because she had no visible injuries or blood. She looked like herself but just unconscious. I picked up a blanket from the scattered debris and ran up the hill to the side of the road. I chased down a car who turned around to find service and call 9-1-1. I was lucky there was a car, they were few and far between where we were.

The kids sat on the side of the road on a blanket. More people stopped. I exclaimed “I did it, I fell asleep!!” My mom was still down with Becca, right now I was in charge of taking care of the kids. People crowded us giving the kids water bottles and fanning them. With other water bottles they were softly wiping blood off. I was holding Jess, she was complaining about her neck. My shirt was now seeping with blood from her head. I left them for a moment to go check the bottom of the hill.

Other people were there now. I knew it was not good. I was unstable, crying, screaming, gagging. My mom lay over Becca sobbing. People were around but gave space. My Mom told me Becca was dying and to say goodbye. I held her hoping a miracle was going to happen. I was not letting her go. My words hung so heavy, “I’m sorry Becca, I love you”. My mom and I embraced. Becca was gone.

I was crying and gagging. A lady grabbed me, hugged me and told me I needed to be strong for the other kids. I grabbed a pair of shoes from the debris, evidently Becca’s and it made me cry even more. I went and sat with the kids. They just laid there sweaty and bloody. I held Abby in my lap, wrapped Jessie in my arms and just cried and cried and cried. Caleb or Jordan asked me if Becca was dead. I couldn’t tell them, I told them “I didn’t know”.

I tried going back down the hill but people stopped me halfway. They were trying to revive her and I saw a bag over her mouth. I saw Becca for the last time.

My mom was on the phone, she couldn’t get a hold of my dad so she called her sister. I could tell by the look on people’s faces the disaster I had made. The look of shock and fear. All our belongings from our trip, along with our mangled van debris, was spread across a desert hillside in Nevada. I could tell they wanted to help but there was nothing they could do to turn back time.

An hour passed until the ambulance arrived and life flight soon after. It was literally an hour. That tells you just how far in the middle of nowhere we were. When they arrived, it became frantic again. The kids and I were still sitting on a blanket on the side of the road. They quickly started evaluating us, even giving us numbers. They asked if Jessie was always this slow. We told her she had down syndrome. I saw relief on their faces and they went back to numbering, putting us in order from worst to best condition.

They took Abby in the helicopter. Then frantically put everyone on stretchers including myself, only because I said I was a little sore.

Jessie was my angel at this time. She made me feel important. She needed me, she HAD to stick with me. She made the paramedics switch people around so she could stay in my ambulance. As they were putting my stretcher in the ambulance I heard them talking about mom. I overheard them saying she was struggling to breathe. I started panicking and asking questions. I was petrified, not my mom too I thought.

By far the hardest part was leaving Becca there and knowing she wasn’t going to meet us at the hospital. Even then, when I knew, I was still praying for a miracle.

The ambulance ride was long in a stretcher. You are literally just tied to a board. Its horrible. My body ached. Jess and I held hands, which made uncomfortable matters even worse. They gave us IVs and I pretended to be brave for Jess. I convinced her that when we got back home she would be able to hang out with my guy friends that she loved. We had to pull over so they could put her IV in because she was screaming and crying. They only turned the sirens on every once and a while. I realize it was probably only when we were around cars.

We arrived at a hospital in Winnemucca, Nevada. Medics met us at the hospital entrance. It was odd being carried and pushed out and around in a stretcher. I couldn’t really see around me but we were pushed to an area that separated us by sheets. Jess and I shared a room, they moved our stretchers as close together as possible so we could hold hands. I could hear Jordan in the next slot over. My nurse was heaven sent and I swear I had met her before.

The chronic crying gave me a headache. I had to ask one last time “Did Becca die?” they dare tell me “Yes, she did.” It was official again. I was gasping for air; the crying was so bad.

They took Jessie to get all her x-rays and exam done. Two people came in. They were from the local LDS ward. I think it was the bishop and the relief society pres. I don’t remember their words, they were kind but not who I wanted to see. Though, I would rather see them then the two police men who came in next. They first asked to draw blood. Then they began the interrogation.

“Have you been drinking in the last 24 hrs?”

“No, I have never drank in my life.”

“Have you had any drugs in the last 24 hrs?”

“No, same answer.”

“Is there a possibility you could be pregnant?”

“No!”

“When did you go to sleep last night?”

I ashamedly told them I only got a few hours because I was talking on the phone to my boyfriend. “

That was all, but it was enough to make me feel like a criminal, a murderer.

Hours went by, I had no idea the concept of time. I wiggled as much as I could in my stretcher until it was my turn to see the examiner. I was last because of my condition. They administered x-ray's, asked questions and not long after rolled me back to the same room and same spot to wait for results.

They finally told me I was cleared and helped me out. I went and saw my mom, who was two rooms over on the phone. Everyone but Jordan was in there, he was still getting cleaned up.

Jessie ended up having a broken neck, which we didn’t find out until weeks later. My mom had a punctured lung and broken ribs and the rest of the kids were just battered, bruised and scraped up but all minor injuries.

It caught me off guard when a nurse told me I had a phone call and led me to a phone. I said “Hello” not knowing who was on the other side. “Chelsea!!” My best friends Heidi and Whintey burst out. I was shocked at how they already knew. I explained on speaker phone to her family and a few friends briefly what happened. I still don’t know how they got that number. I hung up and dialed my boyfriend’s number. Bawling, I told him in one sentence. “I fell asleep, Becca’s dead.” I didn’t hear him respond. Then his Dad got on the phone and told me everything happens for a reason and to not blame yourself.

Our little family gathered together and was escorted to a room with two twin beds, a rocking chair, and an additional chair. I really don’t remember any words, just sobs. My mom told me my dad and our current bishop were already on a flight here, my Aunt and Uncle from Oregon were on their way and my sister and her husband who were currently doing Summer sales in California packed their belongings and were headed our way.

Time stood still, literally. The clock was broken in our room. I kept looking at it checking to see when my Dad was going to be here. It was late and all the kids were asleep when a highway patrol man knocked on our door. He spoke kind words and handed my mom a bag of garments. He too was LDS and personally went and picked all of them up.

After he left I tried to make a phone call but it wouldn’t call long distance. I asked my mom for some change but we had nothing except the clothes on our backs.

I crouched in a ball on my chair in the middle of the room and bawled. My mom was in the corner crying and the kids were asleep. I kept dozing on and off until I was woken up by voices. My Dad was here!! He hugged me and asked if I wanted a blessing. I wish I did but I said “No.” I felt so undeserving.

I woke up in the morning to Caleb, Jordan and Abby watching TV. Jessie was getting pushed around in a wheelchair by the staff. In the corner of the room was a bag full of donated clothes the hospital gave us. I picked some underwear and a t-shirt that said “Winnemucca soccer” and kept my shorts. My parents had already gone and seen Becca and the van.

Next thing I remember is driving home. We drove a rental car. Becca’s normal spot was unintentionally the only spot empty. We were about 6 hours from our home. I was not driving but would not let myself go to sleep. We passed our exit and went to go pick up my sister Laura. She was living in Orem in an apartment with friends. The crying had ceased until I saw her. She got in our car and we knew it would never be the same again as we drove home.

We pulled up to our driveway and a huge banner hung up on the garage “We Love You” it said. I got out reading each signature on the banner. Our neighbors Amanda and Becky Jex ran over. Hugs and tears were exchanged. Our yard was incredible with a new tramp. I don’t remember seeing any cars but our house was filled with guests hustling around fixing food. I gave a few hugs and asked my Dad for my cell phone he had confiscated from me a couple weeks earlier. I went to my room and read lots of text from random people giving their condolences. There were flowers and cards. To this day it still feels surreal. But not having Becca makes it real.

Always remember that this life is short, be prepared when your time comes. Always treat your loved ones like it will be the last time.. one day it will be.

In memory of

Rebecca Emily Yarn

Oct. 9^th 1992-July 19^th 2005

Always in my heart

It was 5 am and I was nursing my sick baby in bed. My eyes were closed and I was half awake when I felt a rush of warmth seep through my shirt. I could tell right away that he had leaked and him and I both were covered in urine. That basically described my whole week. My almost 3 yr. old being hospitalized with pneumonia and my 8-month-old very sick. I have been to the hospital more times than I can remember with suctioning and visiting my sick toddler (who is home now and on the mend). Late last night the baby was getting very congested again and was struggling to breathe, I was exhausted and really didn’t want to go to the hospital again to get suctioned but I knew I needed to for him.

Through the thick fog of tiredness and stress there have been so many tender mercies this week. Many people have stepped up and helped me and my little family. There is one in particular I want to share.

Back to when he leaked... I finished nursing I changed the baby and laid him back asleep and got in a hot bath. When I got out it was still early so I put in headphones as I blow dried my hair. I put on a conference talk and listened while getting ready. I continued getting ready as another talk automatically started playing. About five minutes into it I felt the need to stop the talk. I wasn’t finished with it and my makeup was not done but I turned it off.

I then could hear a faint cry in the background. I quickly went into my pitch black room. My eight-month-old was blindly about to crawl right off my bed. I swiftly grabbed him and held him and prayed. I prayed for gratitude for the prompting of the spirit. I knew immediately where that feeling to turn off the talk came from.

Even in weeks of hardship and trials God is always there. This week I’m extremely grateful as a mother to have the Holy Ghost to not only prompt me but to comfort me. Although this weeks been hard I know it could have been worse.

If you need a pick me up talk listen to the conference talk"4th floor, last door"by Pres. Uchdorf. Its inspiring and humorous.

*watercolor pic by daffodillacreek.com"

I know many of you have stories like this that we could all be inspired by. Please feel free to comment below and share yours.

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